You’ve got a relative who always purports to be the expert on any
subject. Although it’s sometimes helpful to get actual advice you can
use, the constant drumbeat of supposedly knowledge-based conclusions
that comes out of this person’s mouth leaves you feeling that somehow
you’re defective. When you think about it, the advice was useful, but it
was given in a tone of voice that seems to have been designed to drive
the point home that your ideas (and you) completely lack validity.
When people go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself,
the question becomes whether it’s you or them. If ordinarily you feel
your self-concept
is pretty robust, it shouldn’t really be affected by some small event
that exposes your inadequacy. In fact, when you think about it, there
are plenty of people who make you feel comfortable around them without
feeling the least bit weak or defensive. Recent research by Simon Fraser
University’s Uthike Girme and colleagues (2017) examined what they call
“relationship-specific” attachment
insecurity. They proposed that people can be made to feel insecure
within a particular relationship, even when on the whole, they’ve got a
relatively solid sense of who they are. Although the research focused
on attachment security within a romantic relationship, the results can
be thought of as generalizable to other close relationships as well.
As Girme et al. note, “greater turbulence in the form of more
negative emotions and irritations that occur during difficult transition
periods escalates doubts and increases feelings of uncertainty about
the relationship” (p. 3). In other words, when you’re made to feel
insecure in your relationship, you question whether your partner will
really be there for you. Translating this to the more general problem of
feeling insecure with a non-romantic partner, the experience of being
made to feel insecure should also create emotional turbulence. Part of
what might influence your sense of insecurity, though, is whether you
expect the relationship will endure over time. If you feel that you’re
going through a rough time that eventually will work itself out, you
won’t be as upset if another person temporarily is unsupportive.
Attachment security is the basic feeling that your relationship with
others is solid and will endure over time. People high in this quality,
additionally, have an equally solid sense of self. They don’t worry when
someone comes along who challenges this stable base. However, if the
Simon Fraser University researchers are right, just because you feel
secure one day, this doesn’t mean you’ll feel secure the next if
something happens that challenges this foundation of your self-concept.
Girme et al. hypothesized first, that people high in attachment security
expected their relationships to be more stable over time, and indeed,
this was confirmed. They next examined whether people’s feelings of
distress would vary according to fluctuations in attachment security and
on a study of individuals drawn from a community sample, were able to
establish this point. Finally, using a sample of couples undergoing the
transition to parenthood,
a notably stressful time, the Canadian researchers showed that those
whose attachment security fluctuated the most throughout this 2-year
period of change in their partner's availability were the ones who felt
the most emotional distress.
In summarizing the findings of their three studies, Girme and her
collaborators conclude that their work “counterbalance(s) previous
research documenting secure individuals’ steadfast resilience
when confronted with potentially damaging relationship experiences” (p.
20). In fact, the people who expect the greatest relationship stability
are the ones who suffer the most when things go wrong. The flip side of
this is that people low in attachment security don’t seem as distressed
if their relationship partner becomes unavailable to them. Expecting
less, they’re less surprised and disappointed
If we extrapolate from the conclusions of the Canadian research team to other, non-romantic relationships,
similar principles may apply. In your own circle of friends, relatives,
and coworkers, there are some people who reinforce and others who
undermine your own security. In these instances, it’s important to ask
yourself why these people challenge your basic sense of self. Is it
because they are outright critical? Or do they make themselves seem more
desirable by being emotionally unavailable? Then ask yourself whether
it’s you or them? What causes people to need to make you feel insecure?
To answer some of these questions, look outside your own relationship
with these insecurity-fostering people. How do they relate to others
and what do others do in their presence? Do you sense that others, too,
are made to feel small? Once you realize that is them and not you, this
can help you neutralize your interactions with them. Going in ahead of
time with them, knowing that you’ll be led down the path of self-doubt
and anxiety, will allow you to make more objective appraisals of the
situation. Girme et al. noted that people high in attachment security
who were made to feel insecure also felt high levels of emotional
distress. You can set that distress aside when you understand its
source. You can also turn the tables on these findings to examine your
own behavior with others. Are you the one who needs to put people down
by showing your superiority? Having a solid sense of self means that you
don’t need to inflict this pain on others because you’re confident in your own self-worth.
To sum up, the way you handle people who make you insecure is turn your attention inward and shore up your own self-esteem.
Just because one person leads you to question yourself doesn’t mean
that you’re inadequate. There may also be times when you’re particularly
vulnerable. Recognize that people’s feelings of security can vary over
time and this will help you reduce the distress that one given
individual can cause.
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