When you first got together, sex might have been hot, heavy, and
frequent. But after being married for a while? Probably not so much.
It's a clichéd truth that sex tends to happen less often and become more
vanilla the longer you're together... but it doesn't have to be that
way. Meet 20 people who've been married for decades, yet still feel as
excited about their time between the sheets as they did on their
honeymoons.
Ask sexy questions.
“I’ve been with my husband since we were 16. We are each other’s
first for everything, and we're still happily married. To spice things
up, we often ask each other 'sexy questions.' We'll ask each other how
we feel about types of lingerie, whether we'd like to have sex outside
the bedroom, etc. The list feels endless. Long relationships can easily
get boring, but asking provocative questions keeps things fun." —BSM Stoneking, Cedar Rapids, IA, married for 20 years
Get back in touch with your own sexuality.
"In 2009 I was Super Mom, but I was miserable. Somehow, I'd gone from
an alive, sexy woman who was madly in love with her husband to a person
who wore floral dresses to match the kids. Over time, I became annoyed,
bitter and distracted—and it almost ruined our marriage. My husband's
brief emotional affair with another woman was the wake-up call I needed
to remember who I was. I went on a journey to discover everything I
could about rekindling authentic sexuality in the middle of real life,
and I decided to share what I learned with other women by writing a
book, Too Busy to Get Busy.” —Jane Guyn, Bend, OR, married for 33 years
Find the fun.
“One of the keys to keeping our sex
life alive is experimentation. When we introduced sex toys, it made a
huge difference. It made sex fun again! We mix it up and push the
boundaries of our comfort zones.” —Cindee Bartholomew, Dothan, AL, married for 36 years
Be BFFs above all else.
“The secret to why my wife and I are still intimate: We still like
each other and we’re still each other’s best friend. That gets us
through the times when we don’t particularly feel like ‘loving’ each
other. As my wife says, ‘loving is a choice not a feeling.’ Because of
everything we have been through together, good times and bad, we know
that we’ll always be there for each other. That bond that makes intimacy
a special gift that we will only share with each other —and that is wildly exciting.” —Gary Nosacek, Milwaukee, WI, married for 38 years
Remember that tiny gestures have a big impact.
"To keep our love alive, I leave clues or trinkets. One time I left
casino chips that we collected on our honeymoon on our vanity, which
hinted that we were going to Vegas for a weekend getaway. Meanwhile, my
husband knows that I love butterflies; if I'm feeling down or stressed,
he'll catch one for me.‘’ —Noelle Rose Andressen, Los Angeles, married for 27 years
Start foreplay outside of the bedroom.
“The fact that we’re always willing to change things up has kept our
sex life spicy. From starting foreplay early in the day by hinting about
what might happen later to introducing new toys, we're willing to do
what it takes to keep things exciting. And let’s not forget laughter. If
you are laughing during sex, you'll have no problem keeping the spark
alive.” —Alex Martinez, Corinth, TX, married for 22 years
Take one for the team.
“My husband and I have always had a strong and satisfying sex drive,
although it does ebb and flow. The key is to understand that once in a
while you will not be in the mood but may have to ‘take one for the
team’ and just be there anyway. In the same manner, he may not be in the
mood but should also give in to some making out and foreplay and see
where it goes. Sometimes I'm just too stressed to think about sex, but I
know my husband needs it. It's the only thing that cannot be shared
outside of the relationship, so cherish it, be open to breaking up the
routine of the same old positions, and explore new ways to please.” —Stacey Greene*, Cleveland, OH, married for 31 years
Remember the early days.
“I think the key to keeping sex alive is to remember why you fell in
love in the first place. It’s easy to get caught up in the monotony of
everyday life, and intimacy can take a backseat to work and life
obligations. But if you remember what first attracted you to each other,
it goes a long way toward keeping things spicy.” —Julie Bane, Richfield, MN, married for 20 years
Talk it out.
“Our sex life is now much more intimate than it used to be. What got
us there: Taking a 'marriage appraisal' that I originally developed for
my clients. (I'm a life coach.) We asked each other to rate our level of
satisfaction, talked about what we would like to do, and learned about
what pleases the other person. The more you grow in your relationship,
the more it becomes important to be in tune with your spouse's needs and
get creative with ways to fulfill their desires.” —Shannon Battle, Fayetteville, NC, married for 23 years
Remember that intimacy isn't just about sex.
“The most important intimate moments are those that happen outside of
the bedroom. Reaching your arms around your partner’s waist and giving a
squeeze when he or she is working away in the kitchen or around the
house is very endearing. Holding hands while you are walking into a
store or going out for a stroll together in the park is a bonding
experience. There are countless ways to be intimate, and most of them
aren’t sexual.” —Julie Burton, Minnetonka, MN, married for 25 years
Buy a hot tub.
“We’ve always had a good sex life, but it was a little sparse for a
few years as we grew into our 50s and let electronics and everyday life
take our focus away from taking care of our relationship. Then two
months ago, we bought an inflatable hot tub. We got it to soak our sore
muscles after our workouts, and while that is a huge benefit, it's
helped us reconnect in unexpected ways. Sitting in 102-degree bubbling
water forces us to talk again, as we can’t have an iPad or iPhone in our
hands. And being naked in the hot tub has led to a physical
reconnection. We’ve been joking that this is the most ‘naked time' we've
spent in all of our years together!” —Mary Black, Fairbanks, AK, married for 28 years
Get away from it all.
“My husband and I make an effort to weave fun and excitement into our
relationship, sometimes by going on overnights to hotels in neighboring
cities. We call these sexcations! It’s really amazing to take a break
from the stress of life and reconnect without any distractions.” —Midori Verity, Sonoma, CA, married for 24 years
Try role playing.
“Sometimes I’m the wife. Sometimes I’m the girlfriend. Sometimes I’m the mistress. It gets me out of my head—it's hard to stop focusing on being a mom, thinking about work, or going over my to-do list—and
lets me indulge in my sexual self. Truth be told, I often like being
the girlfriend and mistress better; she’s way more fun!” —Julie Kaminski*, Hunterdon, NJ, married for 26 years
Let it go.
“My husband and I have struggled with our marriage and sex life, but
we turned it around. After working through many issues, we made a
conscious decision to drop whatever remaining baggage we had and stay in
the present, rather than keep rehashing things that previously went
wrong. I think of it as ‘sandblasting’ our relationship and sex life
back down to the basics, and it's allowed us to simply revel in the
moment, enjoy each other, and have some fun. At some point you have to
leave the past in the past. Life is too short to do otherwise!” —Christina Veal, Wayland, MA, married for 28 years
Respect each other.
“Once you treat your spouse with compassion, respect, and love, and
your relationship gets on solid ground, then you can explore each
other’s sexual needs from a place of trust and acceptance. It sounds
trite but it’s true. You have to get rid of all the BS to get to a
really great place in your relationship, and then the sex gets really
awesome!” —Martha Jones*, Bear, DE, married for 24 years.
Pay attention.
“One big thing that has helped to keep our relationship exciting is not
multitasking when talking with each other. When you’re completely
focused on what the other person is saying, the bond between spouses
becomes very energized.” —Bracha Goetz, Baltimore, MD, married for 38 years
Put it on the calendar.
“We make a conscious effort and commitment to connect with each other
weekly and make love. It’s a way of communicating by making each
other’s needs a priority without even having to say a word.” —Sarah Hansen*, Westfield, NJ, married for 24 years
Celebrate each other often.
“We celebrate our wedding anniversary on the 22nd of every month, not
just once a year. That’s one small part of keeping the relationship
alive. And we focus as much on our relationship as we do on our sex
life, because without love and respect sex becomes function and not very
rewarding!” —Brian Taylor, Auckland, New Zealand, married for 24 years
Heat things way up.
“For a long time my wife showed a lack of interest in sex. In order
to regain her interest, I decided we needed to branch out. I researched
some new techniques, and it's made a huge difference. The combination
things we’re now doing in bed have not only re-energized our sex lives,
but it has led to her having multiple orgasms!” —Tom Roberts, NJ, married for 46 years
Focus on the journey.
“After many years with my wife, sex is obviously not like it was when
we were young. Now it’s a more mature intimacy where there is no end
goal in mind. Rather, it’s a time of connection and joining as one,
which is what lovemaking should be anyway. For us, making love is
passionate and fulfilling.” —Rob Boirun, Huntsville, AL, married for 23 years
*Name has been changed.
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