In 2012, research by Tara C. Marshall showed that continued exposure to an ex-partner through Facebook
may impede post-breakup healing and the ability to move on.[i] Marshall
began by recognizing the widespread practice of checking the profiles
of other Facebook users, colloquially known as “Facebook stalking,”
which previous research has demonstrated can lead to offline relational
intrusion as well as increased distress. Marshall, however, wanted to
determine how online exposure to an ex-partner related to personal
growth.
Her study found that frequent monitoring of the Facebook activities
and friends of an ex-partner created more negative feelings, greater
distress over the relationship dissolution, sexual desire, missing the
ex, and a decreased amount of personal growth. This was true whether or
not the ex-partner was officially a Facebook friend. Marshall also
found that the type of information available on Facebook, such as news
that an ex-partner has become romantically involved with someone new,
can intensify heartbreak.
The Decision to Unfriend
There is a difference between constant Facebook monitoring and simply
remaining Facebook friends. Notable findings in Marshall's study
include that individuals who remained Facebook friends with an
ex-partner reported lower sexual desire, longing, or negative feelings
for their former flame than individuals who were not Facebook friends.
Marshall notes that potential explanations for this finding include
weaker romantic feelings during the relationship or a more amicable
split than participants who unfriended their partner. She provides
another possible explanation, however, that captures the reason many
people do not use Facebook: “An alternative possibility is that unbidden
exposure to the potentially banal status updates, comments, and photos
of an ex-partner through remaining Facebook friends may have decreased
any residual attraction to the ex-partner.”
Drawing a contrast, Marshall notes that without a constant stream of
information about the activities of an ex-partner, the prior paramour
may remain “shrouded in an alluring mystique,” suggesting that in some
cases, continued Facebook contact may actually help post-breakup
recovery.
On the topic of moving forward, however, Marshall notes that people
who remained Facebook friends with an ex-partner experienced less
personal growth than those who did not. She notes that consistent with
previous research, it appears that relational recovery and personal
growth may be independent processes.
Post-Breakup Personal Growth
There are far healthier ways to experience personal growth
post-dissolution than looking at a Facebook post about what your ex had
for lunch. Research reveals that it is more important to focus on
yourself and your future.
Tashiro and Frazier, in a study entitled “I'll never be in a
relationship like that again” (2003), investigated the link between
romantic breakups and personal growth.[ii] They found that participants
who suffered a recent breakup reported an average of five types of
personal growth that they intended to use to improve the quality of
future relationships.
The most frequently reported type of post-breakup positive change was what the authors characterized as Person
types of growth, which focused on how the participants could improve
their own traits, beliefs, and characteristics. They give as examples
not broad changes such as becoming more extraverted, but specific behaviors such as learning to admit when you're wrong.
The second most frequently reported type of growth was Environmental, including enhanced academic success and improved family relationships.
Interestingly, participants reported very few changes in terms of
learning how to pick a better partner in the future, although they did
report improvements in Relational factors such as engaging in better communication.
Spend Time Growing, Not Grieving
Prioritizing post-breakup personal growth is a healthy way to
reframe, rebound, and recover. Moving forward instead of looking
backwards requires making changes both online and offline.
Apparently, according to research, unfriending an ex-flame is not
necessarily required to enable you to move on. But depending on your
Facebook settings, consider that it might spare you from being notified
when your ex-partner changes relational status from "committed" to
"single" (ouch), adding new photos with a new love interest, and eventually changing relational status back to "committed"—with someone new.
Instead of subjecting yourself to painful reminders of love lost,
capitalize on freedom gained by collecting a new set of friends, fans,
and followers. Venturing out from behind the computer screen into the
real world provides a change of scenery and a welcome diversion from a
recent breakup, paving a positive path on the road to recovery.
About Author
Wendy L. Patrick, Ph.D. is a career trial attorney,
media commentator, and expert in criminal law, named the Ronald M.
George Public Lawyer of the Year by the California State Bar’s Public
Law Section. She has been recognized by her peers as one of the Top Ten
criminal attorneys in San Diego by the San Diego Daily Transcript. She has completed over 150 trials ranging from hate crimes, to domestic violence, to first-degree murder.
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