“First love is dangerous only when it is also the last.” Brainslav Nusic
“I've never regretted not ordering the fish when my steak arrives
cooked and seasoned to my liking.” A woman who married her first lover.
A considerable number of us are still with our first lover. Is
marrying your first (and only) lover such a terrible idea? Do you regret
not having more diverse romantic experiences? Does the quality of one’s
relationship remain high all the time? If we dig deep enough, these
questions all concern the conflict between love and regret.
Love and regret
Long-term profound love is established and maintained by sharing
experiences and activities. The shared connection between the partners
is the bedrock of love, and joint activities are the foundational
features of the connection. The connection amplifies the flourishing of
the lovers as well as the flourishing of their relationship (Krebs,
2015; Ben-Ze’ev & Krebs, 2018).
In the short term, regret concerns past actions that have generated
negative consequences. In the long term, regret tends to involve
inaction—the road not taken—which is seen as responsible for our current
limited horizons. We regret most not extending our horizons—thereby
losing alluring opportunities. Accordingly, Americans often express
great regret concerning their choices in education, career, romance, and parenting.
Education tops that list, since it functions as a gateway to highly
valued options, from higher income to more challenging careers to a
diversity of social and romantic contacts. We are inclined to regret
when the prospect of change, growth, and renewal is not fulfilled
(Gilovich & Medvec, 1995; Roese & Summerville, 2005).
The conflict between love and regret underlies most of our romantic
lives, but it is particularly acute when marrying your first and only
lover. Figuring out which emotion comes out on top in this case depends
strongly on personality and context.
The difficulties of marrying your first lover
It would be natural to assume that those who marry their first love
are likely to regret missing better, or at least different, romantic
options. Along these lines, research indicates that when negotiators’
first offers are immediately accepted, they are more likely to think
that they could have done better, and therefore they are less likely to
be satisfied with the agreement than are negotiators whose initial
offers are not accepted immediately (Galinsky et al. 2002). This accords
with the powerful impact of the romantic road not taken.
In her article, “Why Marrying Your First Love Is A Terrible Idea,”
Kelsey Dykstra describes additional difficulties in marrying your first
lover: You never grow; you’re settling for something easy; you haven’t
had the chance to experience someone new; you’ve never gone through
heartbreak and come out the other side; you’ll never know what else is
out there, and a piece of you will always wonder; a divorce would be brutal; there’s no passion—you don’t know ups and downs; you have nothing to compare your relationship to.
These problems can be real, but they are not inevitable. Some people
in such marriages testify they grew in the relationship – which was not
always easy and did involve some heartbreak. Some had extensive social
lives and met, with their partner, new friends. Some divorced – in non-brutal ways – and some felt great passion in their romantic relations.
Empirical findings
Despite the apparently formidable obstacles for marrying your first
love, the few empirical findings that exist indicate that first-love
marriages are stronger than other marriages.
A YouGov study reports that 64% of people in first-love marriage
state that they are definitely in love, compared to 57% of the married
population; only 19% of the former have considered leaving their
partner; this compares to a third (34%) of married people who have loved
before. People who married their first love are also more likely (97%)
to think they will be with their partner until their dying day than
people who did not (88%).
Another study, carried out by Illicit Encounters, reveals that a
quarter of us are still with our first love, and that 41% of people
enjoy the best sex of their lives with their first love. If correct, these numbers are quite high.
Despite such encouraging news for marrying one’s first love, another
Illicit Encounters survey found that most men and women agreed that sleeping
with as many as 12 partners is indicative of someone who is sexually
adventurous, liberal and transient. An overwhelming majority of men and
women believe that having had fewer than ten sexual partners signals
sexual inexperience and, perhaps more importantly, someone who is a bit
too conservative in the bedroom. Both sexes also agreed that having had
more than nineteen sexual partners is a red flag, indicating that
perhaps someone is too eager to jump from partner to partner, or simply
selfish and hard to please.
Do you regret marrying your first lover?
In order to illustrate the above conflicting considerations, I bring
(from the site Reddit AskWomen) some answers provided by women (who are
or were in such marriages) to the questions, “Do you regret not having
more experience with more than one relationship?” and “Was it a good
choice for you and your partner?” Here are a few examples:
“I have no regrets - only slight curiosity every once and a while.”
“I knew I couldn't be casual with a romantic relationship, so it was nice to be with someone on the same page from the start.”
“I sometimes wonder about how things would've been different if I had more experience (both dating and sexually), but there's no regret, just curiosity.”
“We're getting divorced. (I'm so excited!)”
“I adore him. Honestly, I'm really thankful
not to have a lot of negative sexual or relationship baggage to contend
with. My only sex and relationship experience is with someone who has
always been a generous lover, and who I've always just clicked with.
What is there to regret about that?”
“We're divorced now. I do regret settling in with someone so early
on. It's easy to imagine this love you've found is perfect while
ignoring red flags.”
“I have no regrets at all. Just glad I was lucky enough to find a good one first try.”
“I would have wasted lots of time not being with my favorite person
if I had felt the need to shop around before committing. I believe there
is no perfect match (or "soul mate", if you will) for anyone, that a
relationship is built and requires growth and effort from both sides. He
is a wonderful partner.”
“It's great! I don't feel like I am missing out on other
relationships. I'm perfectly happy with who I have. There may be better
people out there for me, but I am happy enough that there is no desire
to even look.”
“I love him more and more each day. Our life together is great and I wouldn't change a thing.”
“I have never dated or even kissed anyone else! I don’t ever worry
that I missed out on anything by not dating more. In fact it’s quite the
opposite, I’m grateful I found my partner so early on without having to
go through ones who weren’t going to work out.”
“We were together almost 15 years and married for over nine but getting divorced in my mid 30s was the best thing I ever did.”
“Yes, I regret not dating around more.”
“Long since over. While in that relationship had no regrets. Divorce was the best thing to happen to me.”
“I was happy, 16 years together, 8 married. No regrets about not
being with other guys, There was curiosity but always turned them down.
Then I found out 2 years ago that he cheated on me with 3 different
girls before we were married, so it seems that he had regrets. We are
working on it.”
“Sometimes I wish I had a chance to sleep with more people before we
met (as hubby is anything but adventurous in bed), but relationship wise I couldn't ask for more. I know my husband is the top 1% on the compatibility scale.”
“No regrets. Never felt like we missed out on anything. He's my other half and we're the luckiest people on Earth.”
“I don't regret not dating the field because the field doesn't look
that great. Watching my single friends go out to bars and hook up wasn't
really something I envied.”
Facing criticism
As expected, these answers show a variety of attitudes. Marrying your
first lover is not always (or even mostly) the optimal option.
Nevertheless, in some circumstances, this option can provide a profound,
exciting, loving relationship. A major advantage of marrying your first
love is the great romantic profundity stemming from a shared history of
positive interactions over a significant period. First love does not
have to be love at first sight, but it often has the high intensity of
such love, which further facilitates getting into marriage without
examining other options. In traditional matching, where the starting
point intensity may not be overly strong, the expectation is that such
intensity will develop over time alongside an increase in romantic
profundity.
I now turn to three major concerns with respect to marrying your
first lover: (1) the likelihood of regret, (2) the feasibility of
development, and (3) the lack of a comparative concern.
Regret. The women cited above rightly distinguish between
regret and curiosity. Regret involves sadness concerning our past
behavior; curiosity expresses a positive desire to know something.
Curiosity can be fulfilled in various ways that do not damage first
love. In any case, curiosity is not something that you fulfill once and
for all. Rather, it is an ongoing attitude that is often conducive to
our wellbeing. Moreover, the curiosity of those who experienced romantic
affairs is unlikely to cease after having such an affair. On the
contrary, they probably seek more such affairs. As Francois de La
Rochefoucauld once quipped, “You can find women who have never had an
affair, but it is hard to find a woman who has had just one.”
Development. I suggest distinguishing between external
change and intrinsic development (growth). The fact that you are married
to your first lover does not mean that you cannot grow. Change means
becoming different, usually without permanently losing one’s main
characteristics or essence. Development is a specific type of change
that involves a process of improving by expanding or refining. External
changes and intrinsic development operate on different time scales—that
of the first is quite short, and that of the second can take years. A
significant intrinsic development could reduce the need for external
changes. In the case of external change, the individual remains
essentially the same, and change is needed to alleviate boredom; in the
case of intrinsic, meaningful development, one is continually developing
(Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).
The comparative concern. The comparative concern is central
in emotions, one reason being the centrality of change in emotions. An
event can be perceived as a significant change only when compared
against a certain background or within a certain framework. However,
constant comparison of your partner to others is contrary to the spirit
of profound romantic love. Profound lovers are not in the business of
accounting and comparing—they are more occupied with bettering their
relationship than in having a better partner than someone else.
None of this suggests that concerns about the perils of marrying your
first lover are completely unfounded: they simply show that such perils
may or may not materialize, depending on one’s circumstances. And,
these considerations aside, the main challenge in marrying your first
lover is the built-in lack of diversity—but this is also a problem with
other types of monogamous marriages. In all such monogamous
relationships, it is maintaining diversity while sustaining stability
that becomes the real prize.
Concluding remarks
When marrying your first lover, you sometimes get lucky on the first
try—and sometimes you are just settling for whoever came first.
Sometimes, it is an ongoing honeymoon, and sometimes an illusory honey
trap. And, even when the relationship does feel like a kind of
honeymoon, romantic regrets may exist. It’s worth remembering, though,
that reducing romantic regrets is easier than establishing romantic
profundity. Such regrets can often be reduced with short and easy
interactions. Establishing romantic profundity requires more complex
joint activities over a much longer period. This is why, in the game of
love, profound love usually wins over romantic regrets.
This post is based upon my forthcoming book, The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time (University of Chicago Press, 2019).
ABOUT AUTHOR
Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. His books include In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims.
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