Sexual desire ebbs and flows.
It’s totally normal for you to not be in the mood today but want to jump your
partner tomorrow, or for your partner to want it on the daily while you prefer
more of a weekly get-down. But what if you feel like you and your partner have
completely mismatched libidos and that it’s impacting the quality of your
relationship?
In a recent survey
of
1,686 sexually active women ages 25 to 49*, 27 percent of respondents said
their partners just didn’t understand why they weren’t regularly in the mood
for sex.
For those with a
male partner, some of this may come down to hormones, particularly
testosterone, which in men is thought to regulate their sex drive.
“Men have more testosterone, so they may be confused and wonder, ‘How can you
not want sex? Isn’t that just a natural drive?’” says somatic psychologist and
certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D.
But no matter what
sex your partner is, there are ways to navigate this situation so you feel
better understood and less anguished about your level of sexual interest. Try
the expert advice below and find what works for you.
Talk about it.
We know: easier said than
done. Talking about sex with your partner puts you in a super vulnerable place.
However, it also means working on this together—and potentially even becoming
closer.
“Be as honest and
candid as possible,” recommends Karen Stewart, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
in Los Angeles who specializes in sex and couples therapy. “Women lose sexual
desire for all sorts of reasons.” These could include changes in your body,
depression or anxiety, the death of a loved one, losing your job, or having a
baby.
Whatever your
case, talk to your partner about your reasons and let them know you don’t want
this to be the status quo, that you are going to work on this, and that you
want them to be involved.
Consider how your partner
feels.
If the person you
love and have sex with on the regular suddenly told you that their sex drive
was MIA, your first reaction might be, “What did I do? Or not do?” Your partner
probably feels exactly the same way. “They may immediately think it’s about
them,” Stewart says. “They may wonder, ‘Are you not attracted to me anymore? Am
I not doing the right thing?’”
If it’s not about
them, say so. Explain what is going on and that you want to work through this
as a team. If your partner is a guy, you could compare your situation to
erectile dysfunction (ED), something most young men know about even if they’re
not part of the estimated 30 percent who experience it, suggests
Richmond. A man’s ED has nothing to do with his partner—there are physiological
and psychological causes. The same could be happening for you.
If, however, your
partner plays a role in your decreased desire, you should also think about
speaking up about that. For example, maybe you fight often, and you hate how
that makes you feel. Or perhaps you love them, but you feel like roommates
rather than spouses.
Give some thought to therapy.
If talking with
your partner doesn’t get you on the road to improvement, you may want to see a
therapist, either with your partner or alone, Stewart says. “If a couple weeks
or months go by and this impacts other areas of your lives, and you’re fighting
all the time, see someone,” she says. “It’s better to catch any resentment
early than to try to recover from it.”
Additionally, solo
sessions can help you identify the underlying causes of your low libido and
find ways to resolve those issues. According to a 2018 paper in Mayo Clinic Proceedings, research suggests
that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) reduces the severity of symptoms and
may improve sexual satisfaction in women with low desire.
Figure out what you think is
sexy.
According to Richmond,
women’s desire is a balance of accelerators and brakes. If your libido is super
low, something has your brake pedal slammed to the floor. You need to identify
your accelerators, or what turns you on. This could be a massage from your
partner, watching porn, or reading erotica.
Another option:
Simply try something new on date night, like a street art tour, a pottery class
or that new Korean restaurant, rather than your usual dinner and a movie
ritual. “Novelty goes a long way to rekindling the erotic,” Richmond says. “It
sparks desire, curiosity, and all those things that make us feel alive.”
Therapy can also help you figure out what accelerators will get you going, she
adds.
Do everything but have
sex.
“Women are often
craving physical connection and intimate interaction as opposed to
intercourse,” Stewart says. So make a no-sex rule. Instead, for 10 to 20
minutes, simply gaze into each others’ eyes (sounds cheesy, but trust the
experts!) or kiss and make out without having sex or even touching each others’
genitals.
Whatever you do,
keep all devices off and out of the room so that you have zero distractions.
When there’s no pressure to have sex, you’ll be more interested in doing these
activities. Plus, you’ll both feel connected.
Ask your doctor about other
options.
If your sex drive
has continuously stayed flat for six months and this lack
of desire causes distress, you may have a condition known as hyposexual desire disorder (HSDD), which affects about 10
percent of women.
Talk to your
doctor about your symptoms and what you can do about them. Beyond therapy to
address any thoughts, behaviors, and relationship issues that interfere with
your libido, treatment may include medication that’s been found to help
increase desire.
* Survey was conducted by Women's Health & Cosmopolitan, in partnership with a pharmaceutical company that sells a drug to treat hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).
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