It’s pretty common, actually, although to parents this alteration in their child can come as a surprise.
I’m talking about when their bold and outgoing 10- or 11-year-old child, who was eagerly into trying everything, shows signs of shyness and anxiety about entering life situations which are unfamiliar and unstructured, acting reluctant to do so.
“She’s fine with what’s familiar, but retreats from experiences that are new and different. What’s the matter with her?”
The matter is coping with adolescent change, and she is feeling
honorably ambivalent. The child part of her wants to hold on to the
contentment and comforts of childhood
while the restless part is urging her to let go, break some traditional
boundaries, and start growing up.
For a while, at the outset of this
contest, the child part often seems to win. She doesn’t feel entirely
ready yet, and that’s okay. Adolescence needs permission to proceed at its own individual rate, so parents need to be patient, encouraging but not critical.
Most any kind of change can be scary because to some degree it is an entry into the unfamiliar and unknown. Fear
from ignorance and feeling scared of the unexpected are normal as
adolescence gets underway. Fortunately, both sources of anxiety can also
encourage engagement at this age.
The other side of fear is fascination, arousing curiosity. And the
other side of feeling frightened is stimulation, arousing excitement.
The roller coaster ride looks really scary, but is hugely tempting to
try.
What generally gets the reluctant-to-grow adolescent underway is the influence of peers. Collective motivation in a peer group can persuade an individual member to go along and act
accordingly. What the young person would not do by themselves on their
own, she or he is more likely to do in the company of friends. So the
6th grade boy who does not want to go to his first “grown up” school
dance lets himself be dragged along because he doesn’t want to be left
out and miss out on the company of friends. And so the 7th grade girl,
who is reluctant to dress more young womanly as puberty changes her
body, agrees to let friends make her up because now they are starting to
wear make-up too, and she wants to fit in.
In most cases, I think parents don’t credit the many small ways that
early adolescence is scary for their daughter or son. Partly this is
because of the parents’ own amnesia about anxieties of their own growing
up, and partly this is because the young person keeps their fears to
themselves. When parents do have the gift of recall, sharing growth
anxieties from their youth can give acceptance to the young person and
may encourage the daughter or son to emotionally share.
“I don’t know if my experience is exactly like yours right now, but I
can definitely remember a lot of the fears I had at your age. For
example, in early middle school I can remember taking hours to get my
appearance and dress just right before leaving the house because I was
afraid of what other people might think of how I looked. I can remember
being scared of a teacher calling on me in class for fear I’d say
something stupid in front of other students. I can remember being afraid
of making and admitting a mistake for fear of being laughed at, or
criticized, or corrected. I can remember the agony of deciding whether
to try out for a team for fear of failing to make the competition.
I can remember feeling scared of going along and not going along with
what friends were daring to do. I can remember being afraid of trying
new things because that felt like being out of control. And I had lots
of other fears. But as I got used to all the changes, I grew more sure
of myself and less afraid. I believe the same will be true for you. I
just hope you’ll tell me when life gets scary so at least I can give you
a listen. That way you won’t have to feel alone.”
It can also sometimes help if parents will talk operationally about
adolescent change in terms the young person can relate to. “Growing up a
big deal because it means changing in at least four ways. You have to
START acting older, you have to STOP acting younger, you have to
INCREASE responsibilities, and you have to DECREASE comforts you were
used to. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed some times, wishing you could
go back to simpler days, maybe this is why.”
In addition, parents can also soften change by explaining how it’s
not as dramatic and extreme as it may first appear. “I know it feels
like your whole world is being turned upside down by all this change,
but it’s less than it seems. True, growing up is about you becoming
DIFFERENT, but that’s actually the lesser part of the story. In fact,
growing up is more about continuation than change. More about you will
stay the SAME – like the person you basically are and the family you
will always be part of. Growing up is about redefinition, not
replacement.”
Another way to help soften early adolescent change for the young
person is letting them know that she or he can hold on to childhood
activities and objects and enjoyments as long as they want. “Just
because you're growing older doesn’t mean you have to set aside or throw
away all your precious childhood things.” This parental permission can
be powerfully reassuring to a young person who is letting go of
childhood but really misses holding on to some anchoring objects and
activities in her former life for a while longer.
The entry into adolescence can feel daunting. However, instead of
running from the feeling, the young person has to be brave. They have to
follow their fear to engage with what is frightening.There is no other
way. So parents can explain to the 5th grader anxious about middle
school ahead: "Scary at first becomes comfortable with practice and
learning. Courage to try builds confidence this way."
By - Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, “SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE,” (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
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