What is a fight between a couple but a series of triggers being set off
one after the other? One person feels dismissed in a conversation and
accuses the other of being superior. The other person fires back that
they’re being dramatic. This sparks rage in the first person, because
for them “dramatic” is a buzzword associated with all kinds of other
negative adjectives, like “irrational,” “overly emotional,” and
“manipulative.” The conversation gets messy, because every word has
padded meaning. Every insult can burst open a complex, emotional pathway
to each person’s past. The interaction may appear to be happening
between two people in the here and now, but the reactions, the language,
and the emotions being expressed are all deeply rooted in two very
separate histories and two unique experiences.
Heated back and forths between couples are not
that surprising, because nothing triggers us as emotionally as our relationships
with other people. And the closer the relationship, the more likely we
are to be affected. We may feel set off by each other’s words, tone of
voice, or facial expressions. We may read between the lines and infuse
all kinds of meaning into our partner’s behavior. But why do we do this?
Why do relationships that started off sweet and simple become a hotbed
for projections and provocations that steer us away from our loving
feelings?
If we want to develop a clearer, more honest, and compassionate way
of viewing and relating to our partner, it’s valuable to get to know the
core psychological roots of the negative thoughts and feelings being
stirred up. Here are three elements to consider that can help us
understand and overcome our triggers:
1. Our Critical Inner Voice
When we feel triggered by our partner, several things may be going
on. For starters, we usually aren’t just dealing with what the other
person is saying or doing, but whatever we are telling ourselves about
what they are saying or doing. We all have a “critical inner voice”
that coaches us about ourselves and others. This inner critic is formed
out of negative early life experiences. It’s shaped from things we were
directly told as well as more subtle attitudes we picked up or
witnessed. Not only does this inner critic influence our own sense of identity, becoming the cruel and doubting “voice” in our head, but it also warns us about other people and relationships in general.
When our partner does something that upsets us, our reaction can be
exacerbated by a series of critical inner voice attacks, i.e.:
- He forgot what you asked him again. He thinks you’re a nag. He’s being so selfish!
- She isn’t really listening to you. She doesn’t think you’re interesting. She only cares about what she has to say.
- I can’t believe he wants to talk again. You can’t handle this. Why is he so needy all the time?
- She is so annoying when she talks over you. She thinks you sound stupid. She must think she’s better than you.
The reason our critical inner voice is so destructive is not
because it notices real things that need to be addressed, but because it
distorts the world through a dark filter. It exaggerates and adds an
interpretation that is often skewed. For example, no one likes to be
ignored or talked over, but our inner critic isn’t telling us to calmly
communicate with our partner about what bothers us. Instead, it’s
infusing these behaviors with hidden meaning. It tells us that we must
be stupid or uninteresting, and that our partner is critical and
insensitive.
Before we even have a chance to address the issue with our partner,
our mind is five steps ahead already lost in dialogue with our critical
inner voice. Our behavior becomes a response to that internal
conversation rather than to anything that’s happening with our partner.
We may then act cold or angry or in ways that don’t make sense to our
partner. If we do decide to talk to our partner about it, instead of
saying, “Hey, it really bothers me when you tune out when I’m talking. I
feel hurt and like we miss out on a chance to connect,” we may say
something like, “Why do you ignore me all the time? You’re obviously not
interested in anything I have to say. You don’t care about me.” This
heightened response is much more likely to provoke our partner (as well
as their own critical inner voice), and thus begins a cycle of one
person triggering the other, and nothing getting resolved.
2. Our Attachment History
In order to understand why certain behaviors trigger us more than
others as well as why we interpret our partner’s actions the way we do,
it’s helpful to explore our attachment history. We establish attachment patterns in early childhood
with important figures in our lives. These patterns go on to function
as “working models” for relationships in adulthood. In other words, they
influence how we behave and how we expect others to behave. They can
also help form the content of our critical inner voice.
As children, if we experienced a secure attachment pattern, we were able to feel safe, seen, and soothed by a parent (or primary caretaker)
and to see that parent as a secure base from which we could venture out
and explore the world. As an adult, we tend to be more satisfied,
supportive, and secure in our relationships, feeling connected, while
also allowing ourselves and our partner the space to move freely.
However, if we experienced an anxious ambivalent attachment as a
child, our parent was probably intermittently available. They may have
sometimes made us feel safe, seen, and soothed, but other times, they
may have been unavailable, intrusive, or misattuned to our needs. They
may have even acted out of their own need or “emotional hunger”
toward us. This created a pattern where we had to take action to be
noticed by our parent and get our needs met. As adults, having grown up
experiencing an ambivalent attachment pattern, we’re more likely to feel
insecure and unsure of our partner’s love. We become preoccupied,
always wondering and trying to ascertain if our partner will be there
for us, often asking for reassurance in a manner that pushes them away.
We often feel desperate, anxious, fearful, or jealous, and find ourselves acting in ways that are experienced as controlling, clingy, or possessive.
Having a preoccupied attachment style makes us more likely to feel
triggered by a romantic partner in specific ways. For instance, if we
catch our partner looking at someone else, our critical inner voice may
say, “He wants to be with other people. He’s going to leave you. You
should confront him right now!” If our partner doesn’t text us back
right away, we may think, “She is annoyed by you. Quick, you have to
call her to make things right.” If our partner is quiet at dinner, we
may think, “Why isn’t he talking to you? He finds you boring. Make him
tell you what’s wrong.”
Alternately, if we had a parent who was emotionally unavailable or
rejecting of our bids for connection, we most likely formed an avoidant
attachment pattern, and learned that to be in touch with our needs was
painful, frustrating, and shame
inducing. As adults, we’re likely to form a dismissive attachment in
which we are emotionally distant from our partner. For instance, we may
focus more on our work than our relationship. We may be
“pseudo-independent” and see ourselves as just fine on our own. Because
we have adapted by disconnecting from our own needs, we often perceive
others as emotionally “needy.” When we feel triggered by our partner, we
may see their reaching out or attempting to connect as needy, dramatic,
or overwhelming. Our voice attacks may sound like: Why is she so
focused on you? You need your space. He is so emotional all the time.
You can’t deal with this right now. She asks too much of you. You need
to create a boundary. He’s such a baby.
Our attachment patterns can lead us to distort our partner, fitting
them into a picture that comes from our past. For example, an anxiously
attached person may read rejection into a totally devoted partner who is
just busy at the moment. A dismissively attached person may see
“neediness” in a simple gesture of affection. We distort our partners by
projecting that they’re behaving certain ways or seeing us in ways that
fit with an old identity we felt in our family. We feel all the painful
old emotions we felt as a child. Therefore, we have a big oversized
reaction, which in turn triggers our partner.
Because these dynamics are so familiar to us, we may even act out in
ways that unconsciously recreate the emotional climate in which we grew
up. If we felt criticized and controlled in our family, where we were
often told we were “lazy” or “childish,” we’ll likely feel sensitive to
being condescended to as an adult. Yet, we may leave stuff around or
forget to do things just enough to provoke our partner to get frustrated
and be parental. We play out one side of a dynamic to get our partner
to play the other. Inevitably, we’ll feel triggered and reactive to our
partner, and we’ll continue to attack them and ourselves with the same
adjectives we picked up from our family of origin.
Our Primary Emotions
In addition to critical thoughts that get surfaced, we are very
likely to be stirred up emotionally in a close relationship. We may
think our emotions are rational responses to real events, but we are
rarely aware that the intensity of our feelings has a lot to with being
triggered by our past.
Dr. Les Greenberg, a founder of Emotion-focused Therapy,
describes how primary emotions are our initial emotional reaction, but
they’re often covered over by a more defended secondary emotion. Much of
the time, we are only consciously aware of the secondary emotion. For
example, if our partner forgets a plan we had made together, we may jump
to feeling anger
to avoid feeling the more vulnerable emotion of being hurt. Our primary
emotions offer us clues into our needs, so it is important to get in
touch with them. They are often linked to deeper feelings of hurt,
sadness, or shame from our past. Facing them can make us feel vulnerable
and exposed. As a result, we may be more inclined to react to our
romantic partner based on our secondary emotions: the anger that follows
shame, the anxiety that follows sadness, etc.
Primary emotions can be adaptive reactions to what’s really going on,
but they can also be maladaptive responses based on schemas from our
past. They may be sparked by current events, but they often connect to
ways we felt early in our lives. For example, if we were seen or treated
like we were a burden in our family, having our partner brush us aside
momentarily can feel like a monumental blow. It can trigger an intense
feeling of being worthless that has little to do with our partner’s
actions or intentions. Before we make sense of or even acknowledge this
sadness, we may have an ashamed reaction that leads us to retreat from
our partner, perhaps punishing or stonewalling them. However, if we face
that primary feeling of sadness and allow ourselves to feel it, we are
actually less likely to be a slave to our secondary emotion of shame.
Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to a trigger, we can allow ourselves
to ride the wave of emotion that teaches us something deeper about
ourselves and our reactions. Plus, as Greenberg explains, primary
emotions tend to “wash over us,” and they leave us feeling relieved and
revitalized rather than stuck in our suffering. Also, by taking a chance
and revealing our primary emotion to our partner, we are allowing them
to know us on a deeper level, and, believe it or not, we are more likely
to elicit a caring response from them. Primary emotion connects us to
our need, which we can then express, and when we do, we are more likely
to get what we want.
So often, people assume that in order to change their reaction to
their partner, they have to change their partner. Yet, in truth, we can
stop feeling so intensely triggered by our partner by looking closer at
ourselves. By being willing to explore the critical inner voices,
attachment patterns, and emotions that infiltrate our reactions, we can
shift our perspective to one that’s more reflective of who we really are
and what we really feel. We can begin to peel away negative overlays
from our past to allow ourselves to be free to be close to someone else
in our life today.
ABOUT AUTHOR
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, an author, and the Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Association.
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