When I was 10 years old, I
was so self-conscious about my body that I'd wear a sweatshirt to school every
day, even if it was 100 degrees. I've always had a muscular physique, thanks to
gymnastics and other sports, and the other kids at school would tell me I
looked like I man. I did everything I could to hide.
When I got recruited to
compete as a gymnast in college, I figured I'd finally be surrounded by women
who looked like me. But somehow,
I was still the most muscular person on the
team. Still, I liked the way my strong body allowed me to do things like flip
upside down.
After an injury sidelined me
from the team during my junior year, I
started looking for other ways to satisfy my competitive streak. That's when I
ran into a woman who told me about fitness competitions. She said,
"You get to do this amazing routine, and do flips on stage, and show your
strength—but you also have to wear a bikini and walk in heels."
I'd never done either of
those things. But something in me wanted to try it. Soon, I realized that the
whole point of the competitions was not to show off my body or be sexy, but to
celebrate strength, muscles, and hard work.
The other women I met while
competing would share their stories with me, and when I saw their muscular
bodies, I thought, "I've found my place. These are my people." It was
a total turning point in the way I saw my body.
When I got injured during American Ninja Warrior in
2018, it changed the way I saw my body yet again.
After years of being so
active, I went through a period of super-deep depression. I felt like I was
going through a death. I could barely walk, and I felt "fluffier"
because my muscles weren't as toned.
The best piece of advice that
I got during this time was that it was okay to take time to be depressed, as
long as I didn't get stuck there. So I decided, "You know what? I'm going
to use this to be stronger in areas maybe I wasn't as strong before."
I realized that while I may
have been physically strong before my injury, I wasn't mentally strong. While I
was rehabbing my injury, it often felt like I was taking two steps forward and
then two steps back. I was in physical therapy three hours a day, three days a
week, and some days I just felt like I wasn't getting any better.
But right now, I'm
stronger—both mentally and physically—than I was before.
I've learned that my muscle is what makes me unique.
Now, when people say I'm too
muscular, I don't even care. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that
the muscles everyone made fun of me for would actually go on to mean everything
to me, and define my entire career.
Looking back, I'm glad I went
through that because it makes me appreciate where I'm at today so much more.
Now I know to embrace
everything you're "too much" of and just love it, because that's who
you are.
- Womenshealthmag
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