‘Hey, you finally figured out how babies are made!’
Being pregnant can be fraught with worry under the best of circumstances, but being pregnant after struggling with infertility adds a whole new layer of fear and anxiety. Not only have we already invested so much time, money, and emotion into getting (and staying) pregnant, but we have also had a close-up view of the many ways pregnancy can go wrong.
Your first response as a loving partner, friend, or family member, is
to comfort them. But what do you say? The best idea is to ask her how
she’s feeling about everything — and then really listen. Worried about
saying the wrong thing? Here’s what to avoid, according to women who’ve
been there. “‘Hey, you finally figured out how babies are made!’ It’s a joke, I get it. But it’s still a painful reminder of how my body didn’t work as it was ‘supposed’ to. Turns out that sometimes having a baby isn’t as easy as just having sex.” —Jenn Marcus, Miami, Florida
“‘When are you going to have another one?’ Being able to get pregnant once doesn’t mean I’ve found the secret key to the fertility closet and will now be popping out babies left and right. All I can focus on is getting through this pregnancy, right now.” —Megan Ruff, Sinclair, Wyoming
“‘Aren’t you worried about having another miscarriage?’ Of course I am. Every minute of this pregnancy. But thank you for reminding me. Again.” —Megan Ruff
“‘See, I told you it would happen eventually! You just have to be patient!’ This is the pregnancy version of ‘I told you so.’ It takes everything in me not to roll my eyes when I hear this. You’re not a fortune teller and unless you’re my doctor you have no inside knowledge of my uterus.” —Tricia Minnick, Austin, Texas
“‘We all have trials. Some of us can't get pregnant, some of us can't stop getting pregnant.’ Someone, who clearly had never struggled with infertility, said this to me after I finally got pregnant. I understand that everyone has problems in life but these are not the same!” —Katie Willden, Denver, Colorado
“‘Let me know if you need anything.’ I was on bed rest because my pregnancy, after eight years of trying, was considered high risk. Of course I needed help. But this never felt sincere. If you really want to help, offer a few specific things you can do, like running errands or bringing over a movie for a girl’s night in.” —Amanda Lee, Seattle, Washington
“‘You're probably being blessed and you just don't know it.’ I definitely saw my pregnancy as a blessing but I didn’t want to count my blessing until it hatched—literally, in this case.” —Katie Willden
“‘At least you can get pregnant.’ I’ve miscarried twice so while I’m glad I can actually conceive when other women can’t (I guess?) it’s still pretty cold comfort. Infertility isn’t a competition, it all sucks.” —Meghan Johnson, Minneapolis, Minnesota
“‘Hey, you’re past ___ weeks! You’re in the clear!’ People say once you’re past 12 weeks or have heard the baby’s heartbeat you no longer have to worry about miscarrying. Well, I still did. Please don’t make predictions.” —Meghan Johnson
“‘Just relax and everything will be fine, worrying is bad for the baby.’ After three miscarriages I can’t help but worry. Also, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t worrying that ended my other pregnancies.” —Leah Kinney, Apple Valley, Minnesota
“‘If it’s meant to be, it’ll last.’ So if I do miscarry does that mean I’m not meant to be a mother? This is like saying ‘It was what it is’—true, but not particularly helpful or comforting.” —Leah Kinney
“‘Everything happens for a reason.’ When you’re talking about a child’s life or death, this is just painful. It’s okay for a mom to say this herself but don’t explain her experience to her.” —Kristen Morgan, Knoxville, Tennessee
“‘At least you have other kids if this one doesn’t work out.’ Secondary infertility is a real thing and it’s just as painful. Besides, any mom can tell you that one kid doesn’t replace another. That’s not how human beings work.” —Jessica Abrams, Salt Lake City, Utah
“‘What’s wrong with you? Stop crying and complaining! You should be happy!’ I am happy to be pregnant after four years of trying, trust me, but this pregnancy is really hard and I still really miss the baby I lost. It’s possible to be happy for one baby and still mourn the loss of another.” —Maria Martino, Fort Worth, Texas
“‘You’re young, this one will work out.’ Plenty of young women struggle with infertility and my age had nothing to do with my previous losses.” —Selina Ojard, Minneapolis, Minnesota
“‘You know you can have a miscarriage at any time.’ Someone said this to me after I miscarried and then got pregnant again. I was nervous about my 12-week ultrasound but, trying to be positive, I said I was happy to be experiencing morning sickness and hoped that meant good things. They replied with this fun fact. Which, yes, I know that, I was just trying not to be terrified.” —Krysten Bishop, Toronto, Ontario
“‘Are you going to give back your adopted kids now that you have a real baby?’ My husband and I tried to have kids for six years before deciding to adopt. After adopting four beautiful kids, I ended up pregnant. Several people asked if we were putting our children back up for adoption since we finally had our own. WHAT. Who would even think that, much less say it? All our children are ours!” —Frances Pehrson, Bunker Hill, Illinois
“‘You only had to wait three years? Oh but I knew a couple who tried for xx years, now that was a long time.’ Actually, any infertility is a terribly long time. And it’s not the pain Olympics! Stop making it into a competition!” —Penny Smyth
“‘I bet you had fun trying [to have a baby] all those times!” Trust me, there is nothing fun about infertility. Actually it was incredibly stressful and emotional.” —Maiah Miller, Eugene, Oregon
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