On the sometimes-painful road to self-compassion, there are many lessons to be learned along the way. Some of the most valuable often come in the form of relationships.
If you struggle with self-worth, remaining in a romantic relationship
in which you are not valued will only exacerbate the problem. While you
cannot control another’s behavior, you can control your reaction and
your choices. This includes the choice to stay in a relationship that no
longer serves you or to walk away. As difficult and as painful as it
may be, sometimes walking away may be the greatest gift of self-compassion you can offer yourself.
Be your own best friend
Imagine that someone close to you, either a good friend or family
member, is describing the details of your relationship as if it were
their own. As you listen, what is your gut reaction? Do you suddenly
become fiercely protective of them? Are you outraged at the way they are
being treated? These are important clues. It’s hard to be objective
when strong emotions are involved, especially when it comes to love. Be
your own best friend. Listen to your intuition. It is often right.
Remember that you can’t love potential
The blinders of love and lust are powerful detractors, and delusion
can be seductive. For example, if your partner is non-committal, it can
be tempting to believe that you will be the one to change them. To make
them see the error of their ways. That once they discover how special
you are, they’ll have a come-to-Jesus moment and finally see the light,
and the two of you will live happily ever after and ride off into the
sunset.
Unfortunately, life is not a rom-com. The truth is that if someone
doesn’t love themselves, they may simply not be capable of loving you
back—as wonderful and amazing as you are, and as much as they may want
to.
Let’s assume your partner never changes. Can you live with that? Can
you love and accept them exactly the way they are today? Those are the
questions to ask yourself. You can’t love—or marry—potential.
More questions to ask yourself about your partner:
Do they appreciate you?
Do they respect you?
Do they make you a priority?
Do they express curiosity about you and about your life?
When you are sad or in pain, do they empathize?
Do they let you know you are important?
Do their actions align with their words?
Does the positive outweigh the negative?
Finally, supposing nothing were to change, could you live with the status quo?
Getting honest with yourself about these and other important
questions is essential. If you express your needs and still nothing
changes, you may want to consider the cost of staying—the cost to your
emotional and psychological well-being, the cost to your sense of self,
and the cost to your future. Perfect relationships do not exist.
However, trust, respect, and a sense of physical and emotional safety
are the basic fundamentals of a healthy partnership and should be non-negotiable.
When it comes to self-worth, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel lonely.
When you begin to truly love and value yourself, you will no longer
be capable of tolerating sub-par treatment from another human being.
Consider this metaphor: Over time you’ve developed an allergy to a
once-favorite food. For a while, that food gave you joy, but now you
realize that while you still may crave it from time to time, all of the
undesirable consequences now outweigh the transitory moments of
pleasure. With a new appreciation of your body and your health, you’ll begin to choose foods that nourish and sustain rather than those that deplete.
The same goes for relationships. Once you have internalized your
inherent worth, you will no longer tolerate behaviors you may have once
considered acceptable. You will know what a healthy relationship looks
and feels like, and you will begin to attract people into your life
whose values align more with your own. When you’ve learned true
self-compassion, you will settle for nothing less.
Author
Allison Abrams, LCSW-R, is a licensed psychotherapist in NYC, as well as a writer and advocate for mental health awareness and destigmatization.
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