Parents
are very excited when they are about to have their first baby. They
make sure they have researched and purchased the most high tech car
seat, crib, and high chair for their baby. The baby's room (the former
office) is papered with a tiny duck and bunny print, and there’s a
developmentally correct black and white mobile hanging over the crib.
Once he is born, every cry, smile, and bowel movement receive great attention.
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| PHOTO:- 1st Year Mom |
As she grows, her progress becomes extremely important to her parents
and the rest of the family, especially if she is the first grandchild.
New parents cherish their baby and above all, want her to be happy. They
often have a
secret, or not so secret, wish for her to do well in every
sphere of her life. She should feel good about herself, have tons of friends and—of course—go to Harvard.
In my book, “Birth Order
Blues,” I discuss the unique emotional experiences of each child in
the birth order: firstborns, middleborns, youngest children, only
children, and twins, and stress
that there are positives and challenges to each spot. Firstborns have
many advantages as the sole focus of their parents' attention. The
loving care and abundant attention parents give their firstborn, help
the child to grow up feeling self-confident, and he can become very
successful in life. For example, many of our presidents and heads of
corporations are firstborns. At the same time, the parent’s intense wish
for him to succeed (after all his success means that they have done a
good job)
can cause a firstborn some problems. Inexperienced and insecure about
how to help their child succeed, parents often push their firstborn to
read by the age of three, overbook him in after school programs, and
endlessly drill him in math, once he starts grade school. And If he
returns home from school with a 97 on his spelling test they commonly
ask, “ What happened to the other three points?”
Parents can also establish overly demanding rules for her behavior,
as well as micromanage her every move. When she sits at the dinner
table, they might frequently correct her, “Sit up straight,” or “That's
not the way to hold a fork.” As she goes through life, she can
internalize all these demands, feel constant anxiety, and become a perfectionist.
Not only does the firstborn face intense pressure to succeed, but he
must confront the challenge of the birth of a younger sibling. Though he
was the prince of the family till now, he is suddenly forced to share
his parents’ love
and attention. He clearly has been dethroned and he can feel enraged
with his parents for bringing this interloper into the home. He may fear
that that they have brought this new child into the picture, because he
wasn’t good enough. “Do they love the baby more than me?”, he wonders.
To add to the difficulties, many parents demand more from the older
child than the younger sibling. She must behave more grown up (even if
she’s only two) and she is often the one blamed for sibling conflicts.
Parents tend to depend more upon the oldest, as well. The firstborn
often hears, “Can you watch the baby for a few minutes while I take a
shower?” or “Please take your brother along with you to the park?” and
she can feel resentful. As she grows, she also becomes enraged if she
ends up having to load the dishwasher while her younger sibling runs off
to play. To a child it can feel as if her younger sister is receiving
preferential treatment because they love her more.
Another difficult issue for the firstborn, is that the younger child
is always in his way. If he spends an hour painstakingly setting up his
train set on the floor, his tiny sibling suddenly crawls overs and
knocks it down. Whenever he wants to be alone with his friends, the
younger child wants to play and he often finds himself chasing after
him to retrieve his most prized possessions.
There are many positive benefits to having a younger sibling for the
firstborn. The child has a ready made playmate at home, in the park or
on vacation, and a close companion for life. From this relationship, she
also gains important social skills such as learning how to share and take turns. She has the opportunity to acquire skills as a nurturer and leader,
as well. She may be the one to teach her younger sibling how to do a
handstand or soothe him when he falls down and scrapes his knee.
However, at the same time the oldest can become very controlling of her
younger sibling, as she fights to keep her number one position in the
family. She must always be first in their games, and sit next to Mommy
on the couch, and she attempts to monopolize every conversation at the
dinner table.
All these birth order experiences powerfully affect the firstborn’s
emotions, behavior and development. Your firstborn child needs you to
provide him with support and reassurance that he is equally loved. Here
are some strategies for helping your firstborn overcome the challenges
he faces in his spot.
Show your firstborn unconditional love. A touch, a hug and telling
her ,”I love you,” will let your child know that she is loved for
herself (not her performance). Refraining from constant criticisms will
give her the message that she doesn’t have to be perfect to be loved. If
she makes her bed and it’s not exactly the way you would do it, but it
is good enough, thank her and be encouraging. When she shows you her
picture of a tree, tell her, “Good job,” rather than commenting,“That’s
not how you draw a tree” or stepping in and drawing it for her.
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| PHOTOS:- Parents |
Acknowledge his challenges as a firstborn. When you are busy with the
younger child's bedtime routine and the older one is yelling for you to
read him a story, acknowledge his birth order challenge. You might
say, “ It’s hard to be the oldest child. Sometimes the baby urgently
needs to be fed, or changed, and you have to wait for me. Why don’t you
go and pick out some books and when I’m done I’ll read to you.” This
helps him to understand his circumstance as an older child and to feel
your support. Show him his baby pictures or videos, and point out that
he received the same kind of care as the baby. This will reassure
him that he is equally loved.
Talk about her emotions. When you’re breastfeeding the baby and your
older child starts throwing her toys around angrily, talk about her
feelings. You might say, “It’s hard for you to share Mommy and Daddy’s
attention with your younger brother. It can make you angry and sad. When
you feel that way, instead of throwing your toys around, use your
words. Say, 'I’m angry' or 'I need attention,' and I will help you.”
Reassure her too. Tell your child,”We have enough love for both of you.
Try to facilitate your child's privacy. When the older one has a
playdate and wants to be alone, invite a friend for your younger child,
or plan something special for the two of you to do together. You might
also have your older child keep his most precious possessions out of
reach of the younger child.
Teach your older child to be less bossy towards her sibling. Help her
to understand that this behavior is designed to reinforce her number
one position in the birth order. Teach her that she cannot always be
first, or play the role of the teacher, and must give the younger one a
chance to choose the game. You might use a timer or a chart to help the
children keep track of each one’s turn.
Try to be even handed. It will help your older child feel equally
loved and less resentful, if you engage the whole family in preparing
for dinner and helping with clean-up. Even a four year old can place the
spoons by each plate before dinner, or bring his plate to the sink.
Explain to your oldest that he is more developed and can do more, and
that is why you ask him for help more than the younger children. Try to
involve other individuals in your younger children’s care rather than
always relying upon your older child ‘s assistance. Perhaps a relative
or a high school student can help you put the kids to sleep or walk them to school in the morning.
Spend time alone with your firstborn. To a child time equals
attention equals love.Spending a day out with her alone reassures her
that she is valued. But don’t be surprised if she returns home and still
can’t share your attention with her younger siblings. She is having a
hard time letting go of the pleasure she felt.
If you are a firstborn as a parent, you can compare notes from your own childhood
with your child, to help him understand his emotions and experience.
For example, talk about how you felt when your younger sibling was born.
If you tell him that you were angry, too, it will relax him. If you are
a second child, you can explain to your child what your experience was
like in the family, so your oldest can understand more about the
relationship.
Every child in the family needs your help with the unique challenges
her position in the family pose. Your communications and behavior can
provide your children with much needed support. Taking the steps
outlined above will relax your firstborn, help her to comprehend her
experience, express his emotions, and feel equally loved.
ABOUT AUTHOR
Meri Wallace, LCSW, is a parenting expert and child and family therapist.
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